Your relationships shape who you are: be mindful who you let in
A lot of things changed in my life in the past few years, and it helped me realise the importance of my relationships and how to focus on those that lift me up and to let go of those that drain me. We are so deeply influenced and affected by the people around us and it is so important to pick your inner circle carefully. Here are a few things I learnt in the past year that I wanted to share. It might not seem related to health and fitness but the people in our lives have direct and deep impacts on our well being.
Give yourself what you think you need from other people
We expect a lot from people. We want them to be supportive and love us and tell us compliments and make us feel good and beautiful and we want them to motivate us and offer gifts and whatever we are expecting from the people around us. That’s a lot. People can’t always do what we expect from them either because they don’t want to or they change or they simply have their own things going on and they can’t carry the responsibility of making you feel good constantly. While it is important to surround yourself with people who make you feel good, it is even more important to be self reliant when it comes to happiness. Make yourself happy. Love yourself unconditionally. Tell yourself you look great, and believe it. Work hard towards your goal to feel purposeful and empowered. Work out. Take care of yourself until you feel so happy with yourself you don’t need anyone else. And it doesn’t mean you should stay alone for the rest of your life, but other people’s love and attention should only be “bonus happiness” adding to the “core happiness” you’re giving to yourself.
Stop expecting people to change
This is probably the most important thing I’ve learnt when it comes to people. People don’t change unless they want to, and most of the time we expect people to be a certain way that they could be, but they have no intention of being that way so we keep being disappointed. So either accept people the way they are now, or just cut them out of your life completely if the person they are now isn’t acceptable for you. We lose so much time and energy hoping people will turn into that version of them we have in our mind. It might be family members with whom we could have a better relationship, or friends who are behaving a certain way that we don’t like, or colleagues who don’t respect your boundaries. Share how you feel and what you expect, but don’t expect them to change. If it is really bothering you, you can walk away, and if you cannot because that person is a colleague or someone you need to interact with regularly, just try to keep the interactions to a minimum.
Stop changing for people
The same way people don’t owe you anything and won’t change to match your expectations, you shouldn’t change who you are for anyone. I spent a lot of time trying to be someone I’m not because I thought this is what my family or friends or just random people expected from me. You can never please everyone, and people who want to dislike you will do anyway. If you’re trying to meet everyone’s expectation of who you should be, you will always end up feeling not enough: not pretty enough, not successful enough, not clever enough, not a good enough mother or friend etc. It’s not easy and you cannot do it overnight but try to find your purpose, what your values are, and what are your main goals and stick to it no matter what people say. When I quit my career in tech to become a PT, a lot of people had a lot to say about it. And even though I knew I wouldn’t be happy going back to the tech industry and that it was really what I wanted to do, I let the noise discourage me. Fortunately, my best friend reminded me how good at my job I am and how strongly I believe in my purpose of helping women to thrive, and she reminded me that nobody has anything to say about my career and I am the only one in charge. This brings me to my next point…
Surround yourself with people who want you to win
Not everyone wants you to be happy, and that’s the sad truth. We all had those friendships: a friend who finds something negative to say whenever we’re happy, a friend who doubts everything we do, a friend who is there to tell you “told you so” when you’re down, but is never clapping for you when you’re up. Those are not friends, those are people sticking around to see you fail because they’re bitter. Make sure to not keep those people around, they only drain energy. Surround yourself with people who know who you are in your core and who want that person to be unconditionally happy. People who love you no matter what and want to see you win even when there’s nothing in it for them. When I started as a PT, the support from my friends was overwhelming and it really carried me through the challenges of starting a new career.
Surround yourself with people with the right habits
You are who you surround yourself with. If your goal is to work out a lot, try to make gym friends or follow fitness accounts on Instagram to exchange with people who work out too. If you want to eat healthier, maybe don’t meet your friends who eat only junk food for dinner. I’m not telling you to cut people out of your life because they eat burgers, but maybe don’t meet them for dinner and go for a walk or a movie instead. If you want to read more, hang out with people who read, you might even join a book club. We are deeply influenced by people we are close with so it’s important to hang out with people who do the things you aspire to do.
Have empathy and forgive people
This is probably the hardest one. At the end of the day, we are all humans making mistakes and trying to navigate this complicated life. I cut people more easily out of my life now for my well being, but I try to not take their behaviour personally because most things people say or do are not really about us but about them. And I let go of my negative feelings because they affect only me. Holding grudges will only stress you, not the person you’re upset at.
All those things helped me focus on relationships that are good for me and stay away from people who drained my energy and made me feel uncomfortable. I am not perfect and it is human to sometimes be emotionally attracted to people who make us feel unworthy just to prove them wrong, but always remember that you are the only person you have something to prove to.